I was outside the classroom, sitting at a desk that the teacher had dragged out. Got it? Cool. So I was sitting outside at that desk, working on a test. In case you were wondering… no, I wasn’t in trouble. That would’ve made this more interesting, but it was nothing like that. The main reason the teacher dragged a desk out of the classroom was so I could focus on doing a test that I had missed due to being sick one day. That’s nothing to get in trouble over, ya know? I mean… ya can’t get in trouble for being sick. But if you did, that creates a funny scenario. It would probably go like this…

Teacher: Hey, got a second?

Me: Sure thing, Mr. Murdock. What’s up?

Teacher: This is about you being sick.

Me:  Ah, yes.

Teacher: You missed a day of school.

Me: Yeah man, NEVER eat canned gravy for biscuits and gravy. I nearly spat out my entire skeleton and..”

Teacher: F.

Me: Um… I beg your pardon?

Teacher: You get an F.

Me: What?!

Teacher: You have an F now.

Me: For what? Being sick?

Teacher: Yes. You weren’t supposed to do that, and now you must pay.

Me: But Mr. Murdock! It’s not my fault I got sick!

Teacher: Who ate that canned gravy?

Me: …

Teacher: WHO?

Me: Well like… I did, but…

Teacher: That’s what I thought! I’m giving you an F.

Me: Hey you can’t do that!

Teacher: Well I just did, what’re you gonna do about it?

Me: …do good and get a better grade?

He gets a look on his face as if he’s totally offended.

Teacher: …what?  No!  Don’t you do that!

Me: Look, do you want me to do the Billy Madison thing?

Teacher: I’m giving you that damn F and you better learn to appreciate it!

Me: WHOA Whoa whoa… you give me crap for saying that my Aunt Lucretia acts like a total tit, but you can say damn?

Teacher: Hey, you be nice to Lulu!

Me: Wait… only her lovers call her Lulu.

Teacher: Hey, don’t you go around probing my sex life!

Me: WHAT?!? You had sex with my Aunt Lucretia?

Teacher: Of course not! She had sex with me after I finished sleeping with your friend’s Aunt Janine!

Me: Jesus Christ, man! How many aunts have boinked your brains out?

Teacher: …you really wanna know?

Me: No!

Teacher: Good. I’m glad we had this conversation. Now you think about what you’ve done.

He leaves and shuts the door.

I look away for a moment, sigh, and turn around.

The other kids in the classroom just stare in silence.

He comes back in.

Teacher: Oh right, I got a class to teach!

So anyway, I was out taking that test, and I remember hearing some yelling from this other class next to my classroom. I couldn’t tell what was happening at first, but then the door opened and it turned out the teacher was yelling at a kid who was, to put it simply, farting up a storm. I’m sure the other kids got a laugh out of it, but the teacher? Hell to the nah! She was yelling at the kid telling him to do that outside. I remember hearing this and I just thought to myself, “Well of course, that’d be a lot less toxic for the other students; but imagine how the kid would bring this up in class.”

Kid is sitting in the class, feels that funky feeling, and then raises his hand.

Teacher: Yes, Alvin?

Kid: Pardon me, Miss Jenkins, but I’m feeling a slightly bit gassy, may I relieve this feeling outside?

I mean… it’s not everyday you hear someone ask permission to go outside and let one rip, ya know? And plus, if one student does this, another would be tempted to do this, and then another, and then another, and before you know it, everyone outside is contributing to the greenhouse effect, dooming the entire human race just like the dinosaur flatulence that has contributed to global warming. Yes that’s actually a thing.

Anyway, the kid didn’t end up coming outside and I just continued sitting at that desk, working on the test. I couldn’t help but wonder, though, what kind of thing would’ve happened had he stepped outside to release his bodily gases?

I’m working on the test quietly, and then I hear a door open and close, followed by the sounds of chronic flatulence.

I cautiously look over and see the kid just sitting there with a slightly embarrassed look on his face.

He looks over at me.

A brief quiet moment passes as we stare at each other.

Me: Yo.

Kid: Oh! Um, don’t mind me, I just had to…

Me: You’re literally destroying my ability to breathe.

Kid: Yeah well…

Me: You know that right?

Kid: Look man, it’s a natural bodily function and it wouldn’t be good if I didn’t…

Me: TEACHER!

His teacher opens the door and comes out.

Me: Give this young man an F.

Kid: WHAT?

Teacher: Good idea! I’ll get right on that.

Kid: Hey, she can’t give me an F for farting!

Me: She’s giving you that F and you’ll learn to like it!

Teacher: Yeah! And I hope you think twice before breaking wind again, Shirley!

She slams the door and leaves him outside with me.

We just look at each other for a while.

He looks away.

Me: …Shirley?

Kid: My parents are big fans of the movie Airplane!

Me: You can’t be serious.

Another brief moment passes and he slowly exhales, looking away and shaking his head.

Kid: …I hate you.

Me: 🙂

Come to think of it, I feel like the kid should’ve come outside if something like the above were to happen. Because even though high school could sometimes be funny and random, I always did wish that more silly things would’ve happened. But it is this reason why a lot of the best things in my mind never happened; and it’s the reason why I often like to think about these crazy unlikely scenarios that could have been.

Until next time, this has been One Time In School. Thanks for reading!