Attack of The Loch Ness Monster!

I was always intrigued by supernatural stuff and mysterious creatures as a kid. I still am, but of course there’s the whole thing of knowing that some things aren’t quite what they seem. Blame those Discovery channel documentaries, blame forensic evidence, blame the internet, blame everything for ruining the fun of things like UFOs and Bigfoot. The mysterious stuff that sparked our imagination is no longer mysterious, and instead, has become stuff that sparks debate on whether or not something is Photoshopped or staged in some way.

Still, the whole mysterious creature thing always fascinated me. And since I watched a lot of movies and television, I’d often see giant creatures like this causing destruction. King Kong, of course, always comes to mind. Not just with the title character, but also the fact that it had dinosaurs that would chase after the guys and get into fights with Kong. It’s one of the earliest monster movies I ever saw as a kid, so I have fond memories of having watched it and still feel the impact to this day.

Another thing that always captivated me was anything regarding the Loch Ness monster. I love dinosaurs, so the idea of a living plesiosaur hiding somewhere was always exciting. Even when I read about this famous photo and learned how it was faked, it was still fun learning about weird sightings at Loch Ness.

Naturally, I started daydreaming of the odds that the Loch Ness Monster would come to my hometown and wreak havoc. All these things explain how this daydream came about, but many questions of “Why?” come to mind the more I think about it. And the more these questions come to mind, the more I find it not making any sense.

For starters, I’m far from Scotland. Quite far, to be exact. And not only that, but there’s no lake big enough around here to house ‘ol Nessie. Even if there were, there’s no way she’d come all the way over here since I’m not close to something that connects to an ocean.

But that’s not the weirdest part about my daydream. No. It gets better! How? Well, here’s a dramatic recreation of an interaction that I would always envision taking place just before the Loch Ness Monster would be destroyed.

“Stay inside!” 

“What? Mom, Dad… Why?”

“The news reporter said that the Loch Ness Monster is attacking this part of town.”

“…I have to go out there.”

“NO!”

“I have to!”

“It’s too dangerous, son! It will kill you!”

“But dad, mom… I have a power no one else has. And when it swallows me, that power will destroy it.”

“I… I don’t understand!”

Neither do we.

“I know you don’t understand, but this is the only way.”

“Sweetie… you’re so young though! You have a long life ahead of you.”

“Other people will die if I don’t do anything. This is my choice. Good bye mom and dad, everything will be okay.”

“Son… we’re proud of you.”

“I know you are. You’re the best mom and dad I ever had.”

Oh… where do I begin? First off, no I was not the kid in the daydream. Second, as you can see, this moment is just… it doesn’t make any sense. The idea already doesn’t make sense, but there’s a lot we can probe from this, so we’ll go ahead and do just that.

If this kid had a power that could kill the Loch Ness Monster, why not just channel that in some way so he can destroy the beast without sacrificing himself? He could hold out his hand and yell something like, “Klaatu barada nikto,” or, “Mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho!” and shoot out a beam of energy. Or couldn’t he transfer his power to military weapons so that the armed forces would have stronger weaponry? Maybe he could use his power to time travel and prevent this from happening. Couldn’t he then have scientists take some of his DNA to create powerful soldiers capable of taking on these sort of threats in the future?

Furthermore, where did this power even come from? Is it like an X-Men sorta’ thing where he was born with something that triggers when some kind of stimuli occurs at a young age?

And how about those who support animal rights? Those would have to apply to creatures out on a rampage. Sure, the people who champion animal rights would be among people who’d be getting eaten and stomped on, but you know they’d still be dedicated to their cause and would demand that people take the ravenous bloodthirsty Loch Ness Monster back to her home so she could live there and eat fish. Or who knows, maybe they would realize that the monster can’t be contained and then something akin to the following exchange happens.

“Mr. Cummings! You’re part of the Animals Need Rights Too organization, why is it that you’re suddenly backtracking on your cause for this particular moment?”

“Well John, as you can see, it’s a little crazy out here! You see what’s happening? People are getting slaughtered and eaten by this thing. Wouldn’t you want to see someone kill the monster?”

“Yes, but your own supporters are calling you traitors. People are making calls and saying that they are no longer subscribing to your magazine until you get your act together and let Nessie roam free. How does that make you feel? What would the founder of your organization say to that?”

“I’m not sure. He’s dead.”

“Oh? How dead?”

“Quite dead.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes! Nessie snatched him off the ground and swallowed him moments ago as he was shouting ‘Shoot her! SHOOOT HER!’ He said that right after the monster ate your catering chef.”

“What?! Our chef was eaten too? That settles it… TAKE HER DOWN!”

And more importantly, why did I think of something so weird and random that has no logic whatsoever? I could’ve at least thrown in something like an intriguing backstory behind how this kid got the mysterious power, but nope. My eight-year-old mind either didn’t want to ripoff Shazaam, or it might’ve been thinking of a less-is-more approach behind explaining… pretty much everything.

Or why didn’t I consider that the Power Rangers could pop in and save the day? I mean, this was the 90’s, so it only would’ve made sense for me to think of that. Nessie shows up, Zordon and Alpha call in the rangers, boom… giant fight ensues between Nessie and the Power Rangers’ fully-assembled Mega Zord. Angel Grove is saved once again, people rejoice, all is well. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

I’m pretty sure I did think at one point that it could be a brontosaurus killing people at one point, but like with the Loch Ness Monster approach to this daydream, it doesn’t make sense. Sure, it would have the ability to walk around, which is more logical than Nessie teleporting out of a body of water, but there’s still the thing of… ya know, an herbivorous dinosaur going around killing people. Unless it’s a full-grown version Littlefoot from The Land Before Time wreaking havoc on people who created the numerous Land Before Time sequels, there’s no reason this would ever happen.

Unless maybe it was that weird man-eating brontosaurus from the original 1933 King Kong. Why was that a thing? It still confuses me to this day.

Anyway, it’s clear that I didn’t think my daydreams through as a kid (see the previous one on my “Childhood Rival.”) because they just don’t make any sense. This was a pretty weird one; but knowing me, it’s probably not the weirdest one. More will be the focus, of course, in future entries.

Until then, this has been another strange installment of Astonishing Reveries of a Media-filled Mind.  Thanks for reading!