knife-316655_1280Everybody daydreams what it’d be like if they were in a horror movie of some sort. Whether it’s a zombie movie, vampire movie, or something else, people tend to go with some kind of little spooky sub-genre adventure as they ponder what they would do. They might picture some of their friends being with them, maybe even talk about it and theorize who’d die first, who would remain, and what would happen throughout the entire escapade.

Why think and daydream about something that could, in a sense, be pretty macabre and potentially gruesome? Because we repeat to ourselves it’s just a movie and it’s fun because of that, that’s why.

Another good question is, “Does your daydreamed horror romp follow the tropes or not?” If ya ask me, I say that it better follow the clichés! Because if it doesn’t, it just won’t feel like an actual horror legit movie.

I’ve daydreamed about this quite often as a kid, a teenager, and even recently. Knowing that, I’ll likely continue daydreaming up horror antics until I’m in my 60’s and watching Marvel still trying to convince us that we need a new Howard the Duck movie. There’s just no stopping this. I love the horror genre and many of the sub-genres within it, so the daydreams will keep on coming.

With that said, it’s time to share my own little slasher movie misadventure (complete with various music to help set the tone). Welcome to Stabby Reverie from a Slasher-filled Mind!

Note: This entry does have some swearing and violence because of the slasher movie theme, so… yeah lol.

It all starts with me and a group of friends setting up a party in a nice roomy house. There’s me, a couple guys (Joey and Wallace), a few girls (Sarah, Claire, and Melissa), and a slightly older friend (Ryan) to help us with heavier lifting. We’re in our mid twenties, but are playing teenagers in this because, ya know… movie. And whenever we talk, we would need slightly corny dialogue that works and moves things forward, but rarely ever develops us as characters. And since it’d be a little corny, there’d be plenty of odd lines people can laugh at. Not quite b-movie quality, but more silly like the dialogue in just about every Friday the 13th movie.

How about some highlights? I see one of them saying something like…

Wallace: “Wowie zowie! I can’t believe this whole place is to ourselves. We’re gonna have so much sex in here, the whole neighborhood will hear us.”

Why say “Wowie zowie,” instead of something more natural? To further add to the corniness of course! Let’s take a look at some dialogue that totally doesn’t try to handle exposition in odd ways…

Ryan: “You know… I never imagined that after high school, I’d still be with you guys.”

Joey: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Melissa: “It means that he’s surprised you’re all still losers.”

Joey: “What’re you talking about Melissa? He’s been friends with us since middle school.”

Melissa: “F%$# off would you?”

Me: “Hey hey, cool it fellas. The last thing we need is to fight like last weekend at Joey’s. Let’s just clean up and put this behind us.”

Melissa: “Who asked you Danny Tanner?”

Wallace: “Melly, quit that! You’ve been complaining the whole during the ride, the least you could do is help us set things up.”

*She does the whole sassy diva-style hair flip*

Melissa: “You’re all so lame. And don’t call me Melly, only my dad does that, and he can f%&# off too.”

*She walks away like a kid throwing a tantrum and we look around awkwardly.*

Me: “Please… I’m more like Uncle Jesse!”

Everyone rolls their eyes and laughs it off as I go into the kitchen to get some water.

Claire: “Who even invited her?”

Yes, good question Claire. But you know why we need a snobby uptight girl who’d rather be at home having erotic thoughts about Scott Baio while watching Charles in Charge. Because every slasher movie needs a character exactly like this!

So we all continue setting up things up and play some music while we get everything in place. We unfold tables for food and snacks, clear some space where people can hang out and dance, and put drinks in the fridge (and yes, we’ll need an obligatory Animal House homage where someone is offered a beer that’s thrown against a wall).

Soon, a crotchety old neighbor hears us talking loudly at one point and comes over. He tells us he was young once, and that he won’t call the cops if we give him a beer. The old dude starts to make me and the girls a little uncomfortable, but because this is a movie with relatively dumb characters, Joey figures, “Hey why not, he might be alright.” So he tosses him a beer. Cue the Animal House reference!

Off in the distance, a criminal is on the run. He’s not quite looking like a slasher villain just yet, but we see his face and he’s played by fan-favourite Jason actor Kane Hodder! He steals a hooded coat and hides his face as he runs through the streets. It’s now close to night-time and he keeps running, pushing through people who are out jogging. A cop car comes from around the corner and he turns around, heading into a back alley. The cops get out and chase after him, eventually seeing him entering a ruined warehouse.

After searching around and calling for backup, there’s a brief altercation that leads to one of the cops being killed by the criminal. The other jumps in and fires, but is knocked back and thrown into some boxes. He gets up and the two grapple, trading headbutts as we see some brutal face wounds inflicted to each other.

Oh yeah, those headbutts would be censored out of the UK edit of this film. Yeah, they’d just see the other hand-to-hand combat and strange edits. Anyway, the fight continues for about a minute until the cop is able to push the criminal over a rail, causing him to fall into a part of the floor that caves in. The guy struggles a bit, and looks over as we see some badly exposed wires spark and burst the broken planks into flames.

The cop leaves to make sure backup is coming, and the criminal seemingly dies but… you guessed it! He actually survives with serious skin burns. His hand pokes through the rubbish, and we now have our slasher. Now we cut back to the house party.

People start coming in and dancing as pizzas are arrive. Everyone makes your usual cheesy/awkward smalltalk and we get a little backstory on me and the other characters. Since this is a daydream, I won’t go into everyone’s detail-filled past unless it’s a crucial part of a story. For one brief interaction, some of the people at the party find out that Joey used to take Karate classes. A drunk party-goer tries to egg him on and get him to show some moves, but Joey refrains and goes into the kitchen. The drunk dude is all, “What’s his problem?”

Wallace reveals that Joey, after accidentally breaking a kid’s nose in middle school, doesn’t want to do martial arts anymore. The drunk guy rolls his eyes and dismisses it, but goes back to his friends.

Gee, the whole Karate thing totally doesn’t sound like something that’ll come up later in the film during a pivotal situation, does it? Heh, yeah. What a strange thing to briefly come up in a conversation!

So anyway, everyone continues talking and drinking, except me since I’m not a drinker. They ask me why, and now we get a little backstory on why I drink. Actually no I’m kidding, there’s no dramatic story. I just don’t drink. Sarah looks around and asks where the old guy from earlier went.

The old man is drinking in the backyard and… yeah you know what’s coming. He hears something and walks around a bit. After poking around in some nearby junk, he’s then startled by a stray cat (Boo! Teehee, Fake jump-scare. We needed one at some point ya know!). He exhales and just laughs it off as he opens another beer.

And here it is! He’s immediately sliced and diced by our boy. Boom, the slashering begins. Me and my friends hear faint screams as the music plays, and we go out to see what happened. We see nothing, and no sign of the old guy or anyone. Melissa acts like a drama queen, calling us drama queens (golly Melissa, you sure don’t see the irony now do you?) and she goes back inside. Everyone else goes back inside to continue partying, while Sarah and I stay out and talk for a moment, addressing our concerns and even having some friendly banter.

Afterwards, we decide to leave the party and ask anyone in the area if they’ve seen the old guy. As we’re gone, the slashing continues as some of the people arrive at the party and gradually go missing as the killer does his thing. One of them is the drunk guy who tried bugging Joey about Karate. The guy goes out into the backyard, mocking Joey and the whole situation before eventually hearing a sound which he thinks is a girl calling him over. Clearly drunk and stupid, the guy walks around acting like a total tit only to get grabbed by the killer and thrown into a tree branch that impales him.

Back to the party now!

Ryan asks Claire and Wallace where some of the people are and they assume that they left early. Joey is in the bathroom thinking to himself, trying to forget about the drunk guy. We don’t quite get a full-on flashback, but we hear some of the past experience as it plays out in his memories. Someone knocks on the door and yells they need to use the bathroom, causing Joey to snap back into the moment. He splashes water on his face and goes back to the party.

Now we go back to me and Sarah. We’re still out talking to people, trying to find the old guy and make sure he’s okay. We go to a nearby park talking to a few people, and we see police searching and investigating the old warehouse from earlier. That’s when we’re told that a criminal was on the run and seemingly disappeared. Then we take notice of a crime scene as they get the cop who was killed earlier. We start to get a little nervous, so we drive back to the party to warn the others.

When we get back to the house, we find that some party goers are drunk and fighting, so we make them leave. After Ryan, and Wallace start to calm things down, we pull them aside and tell them what the police told us. Melissa tells us we’re out of our minds and trying to ruin the party, while Wallace doesn’t think we have anything to worry about. But after we ask him how odd it is that there aren’t as many people as we expected, and that some of the people are disappearing, he starts to think that maybe something weird is happening and goes out to the back yard to clear his head.

Yeah, make that no head! He’s instantly decapitated by the killer and his head is thrown into a window, which scares off the remaining party goers. Cue the music! It plays loudly as we look over to the back door and see someone step in. We get our first look at the killer! He’s wearing the ruined pants and burnt-up hooded coat. As he looks up at us, we see he’s badly burnt, but has some bandages wrapped around his head, leaving enough space for him to see.

He raises his weapon, a classic Jason-style machete, but Ryan steps in to try and stop him. No don’t do that Ryan! You’re cool dude! We can’t have something happening to ya buddy!

He tells us to call the cops but is then picked up by the killer and slammed face-first into the kitchen sink before being stabbed repeatedly as we watch in horror, freaking out.  The killer grabs Ryan’s dead body and looks at it, cocking his head slightly, and then drops him to the ground before looking up at us. We look at each other and start to run.

No, not out the front door to get in a car and drive away. Do you think there’s logic in a slasher movie? Heck nah! Not yet at least. We run upstairs where the slasher is totally not likely to chase us! That’s how you do it.

We lock ourselves in a bedroom, block the door with a dresser, and try to call the cops only to find the phone is out of service. Did I mention this is an 80’s slasher film? Yeah, no smart phones or cellphones! That would make this WAY too convenient. Instead, we freak out and try to work out a solution. Me and Joey start to wonder if we should all sneak out the window, while Claire tries to calm down Sarah.

Melissa starts to think this is all a prank, because apparently the decapitated head and seeing Ryan get killed wasn’t enough to convince her that this is real. Did I mention she’s not all that bright? She thinks she’s just seeing things and we tell her to snap out of it and help us. Then she totally snaps and swears at us. Hey, she’s getting real uptight and crazy. You know what happens to uptight crazy people in slasher movies, right?

That’s right! The killer suddenly breaks through the door with his arms, grabbing Melissa, and pulling her through the door before killing her. We all freak out, leave through the window, and shut it from the outside.

We start to yell and call for help . A neighbor tells us to shut up and we tell him to call the cops, but he ignores us and shows us his middle finger. Why? Because this movie needs awkward places for humor. That and ignorant characters who’d rather watch Jeopardy while eating popcorn instead of trying to help us.

So then the killer breaks the window and we start to climb down the house and onto a balcony below. Joey doesn’t move, though. He looks away in thought, and then tells us to go as he tries to hold off the killer with his martial arts. Wait what? But Joey! You said you wouldn’t fight anymore! Who totally could have seen this coming?

He manages to put up a good fight for a bit, evoking that one scene from Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Canada Manhattan where the one kid fought Jason on the rooftop. We call to Joey and tell him to back down and come with us. He tells us to go and call the cops. Joey continues pummeling the killer with his Karate moves as me, Sarah, and Claire climb down and run around to the car. Seconds later, though, we hear Joey scream as the killer punches him straight through his chest and then throws him the ground below, killing him. We get in the car to drive away, and just as Sarah starts to rev up the engine, we hear something on top of the car and the killer stabs through the car roof as we start to freak out.

You’re probably wondering, “Hey wait, how does a machete stab through a car?” Are you serious? Nothing has to make sense in a slasher movie! Sarah yells out curse words as she finally gets the car going and we drive off, with the killer still on top. This goes on for a couple minutes as the car swerves, trying to shake him off. Sarah sees a public fountain and drives towards it, coming to a screeching halt, sending the killer flying into the fountain. She then reverses and drives away from the area, saying that we should go to where the warehouse was to tell the cops.

Finally, a little moment to just breathe and gather ourselves as she drives over. It’s not a long drive, but does make for a nice (albeit brief) minute for everyone to make very light conversation about what we want to do once this is all over. Claire says she wants to see her family, Sarah wants to go back to school and get her degree, and I just want to go home and watch Back to the Future. We reach the area and see nobody around, despite the fact that a couple cop cars are parked.

Me, Claire, and Sarah cautiously get out and look around. We search for a bit, calling for help. Suddenly, someone takes us by surprise from behind (Boo! Teehee, another fake jump scare. Yeah, we kind of needed it, it had been a while). We turn around and it’s actually the cop from the beginning who thought he killed the criminal. He asks us how he can help, and I tell him that the criminal is alive and killing people. The cop doesn’t have too hard of a time believing us, since he was starting to suspect something weird was happening. He offers to take us to the police department where we’ll be safe.

Hang on! He’s too nice and too helpful, not to mention, extremely good looking and could make the rest of this movie too easy for us to survive. So the killer comes out of nowhere (like literally comes out of nowhere) and grabs him. I try to tackle the killer and the girls freak out. He throws me aside with one arm, throws the cop to the ground with his other arm, pulls out his machete and starts to stab him repeatedly. Claire sees that the cop’s gun has fallen and reaches for it. Sarah is flabbergasted and goes, “Do you know how to use that thing?” Claire aims the gun at the killer, who starts coming towards me, and pulls the trigger.

The bullet hits him in the head and he goes to the ground as I stare, shaking and scared out of my mind. Claire lowers the gun and responds, “Of course. I learned from watching Rambo.” We have a quick little laugh and regain ourselves as we figure out how to use the cop car radio and call for help. In addition, we come across a flare gun and fire it off into the air, hoping that someone will see it. Just then, we hear something and look around, seeing that the killer has disappeared. Claire swears and we run back to our car to drive away. Did ya expect us to take the cop car? Pfft… that’d make it too easy.

So yeah, we go back to our car and just as Claire opens the door and gets in, the killer reaches from the around the driver seat and starts to kill her as we freak out. Before she dies, she throws the gun to us and tells us to run. Sarah picks it up and we run into the warehouse.

Yeah, sucks when all the cool characters die off in a horror movie one after another, doesn’t it? So now we have a moment where me and Sarah are hiding and we start to finally process everything, realizing that our friends are dead and we only have each other. Before we get too into the moment, though, we hear the killer step in and we peek around the corner. Sarah looks over and sees an area with lots of tools and things we could use to fight him off. We sneak over quietly and look at what’s available, finding a wide assortment of both, small and large tools. We look at each other and then start to think of a plan.

The killer walks around and we make some noise to lure him over. We peek out to see where he is, and as he comes closer, we get into position.

Just as he walks into view, I swing a sledgehammer from around the corner, knocking him to the ground and sending the machete flying out of his grip. Sarah takes the chance to run over and grab it. As he gets up, I use a nail gun and fire every nail at his eyes and head which only makes him angry. He charges at me but Sarah, still having the gun, shoots his back and manages to slow him down. We regroup and then start to run up nearby stairs to the rooftop. The killer gets up, more furious than ever and looks to the stairs.

We reach the rooftop and block the door with a nearby crate. Looking off into the distance, we see some cop cars coming and a chopper flying over. Sarah sits for a moment to rest and I lean against an air conditioning unit. The cars and chopper start to get a little closer, but still have a good few minutes or so until they reach the warehouse. We ask each other how we’re holding up and take a breather.

Suddenly, a hand grabs me from behind and throws me toward the ledge, causing me to roll right over as Sarah screams and watches in terror. The killer climbs up and glares at Sarah. She equips the gun and starts to fire at him. He charges at her and she rolls out of the way, still holding onto both, the machete and the gun. The killer turns, and grabs a pole nearby. He swings it at Sarah, knocking her over and sending the machete flying out of her hand. The fight continues and she keeps firing at him whenever she gets a clear shot. Each one hurts him, but doesn’t do enough to completely slow him down.

A large light suddenly shines onto the killer’s face, taking him by surprise. The chopper has arrived and is illuminating the rooftop with its large searchlight as the pilot starts circling around. The killer shields his eyes and Sarah runs from him, looking for the machete but is unable to find it. Surveying the situation, the co-pilot starts trying to fire at the killer with his own rifle and manages to hit him with bullet fire.

The killer growls almost like he’s becoming inhuman, and throws the pole at the chopper, just barely missing it. Sarah tries shooting at him from a distance a couple more times, but misses. Bullet-fire from the co-pilot’s rifle stops for a moment as the chopper goes a little lower, and then resumes. The killer grabs other nearby objects to throw at the chopper and starts hitting it, but not enough to damage it. Sarah tries to keep her aim on the killer but struggles with all the noise and the light shining down. Finally, she takes a deep breath, focuses, and aims once more.

The killer is struck on the throat by the bullet and is now on his knees, and is then shot on the legs by the co-pilot’s rifle. He’s screaming in pain and looks over to Sarah, beginning to approach her. The pilot’s rifle is now out of ammo and Sarah backs away as the chopper circles around, and the killer slowly approaches her. She tries firing but the gun has no more ammo, and she realizes she’s getting closer to the ledge. The chopper seems to stop, the killer comes nearer, and Sarah closes her eyes, breathing in deep, and she goes over the edge.

Just then, I catch her from a stair rail below and she’s totally surprised. We have a quick nervous laugh and I help her up. We then look up as the pilot yells something from above. We peek over and see the killer is distracted by the chopper as they drop a rope ladder down. I look to the side, and see the machete just teetering on the rooftop ledge.

“Stand down or we’ll open fire!” the pilot shouts over the megaphone. The killer goes towards the chopper and grabs a pipe, getting ready to throw it and finally take out the chopper.

“STAND DOWN!”

He reels back, just about to throw it, and then suddenly…

“Hey shit face!” I yell from behind.

The killer turns.

“Forget something?” I say with a smirk.

He growls and is about to come at me, but suddenly Sarah comes around the corner with the machete and slices his head right off. We watch it roll along the rooftop and kind of nerd out at how awesome this looks. But before we can celebrate, we see that the killer is still functioning, walking, and able to tell where we are. We have a real “WTF?” reaction and start to back away. Just then, we hear something hit the rooftop and then a voice.

“Hey you two!” the co-pilot yells.

We turn around and see that the co-pilot (played by none other than Evil Dead’s Bruce Campbell!) is holding a rocket launcher.

“You might wanna get down, ’cause it’s boom time!”

Sarah and I dive aside as the co-pilot fires the rocket at the killer, splattering him apart into many pieces of flesh that shower across the street below as the cop cars arrive, being covered by some blood and guts. Gruesome! After that finishes, the co-pilot then sees the killer’s head on the rooftop and stomps down on it, crushing it into a nasty pulp. Cool huh? Yeah, it’s kinda’ nasty; but that’s how you kill an unstoppable slasher with no name and an unexplainable ability to keep coming back from things that don’t blast him apart.

You know what, I really should’ve given the killer a name. Gary, perhaps?

Anyway, the cops start looking around and try to make sense of everything. We receive care and attention, plus some water. Finally, everything’s well and we can have a little time to just breathe. The co-pilot comes over and offers his condolences as well as any further assistance. We thank him and everyone else for their help. Sarah and I have a moment and reflect on everything, looking into the night sky as we’re then driven away from the city and back home.

Roll the credits!

So yeah… that’ll do it! This is easily the longest entry I’ve done but it was really fun to do, especially with looking for music that fits it. This would’ve been longer had I included a lot more dialogue, but I figured a more summarized approach to describing the main scenes would make it easier to follow. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it.

Until next time, always remember that no matter what happens to you in a horror movie, everything will be okay since it’s only a movie.

And just hope that you’re not killed off in an underwhelming sequel. See ya later! o/