This one time in school, I brought in my own lunch despite the fact that everyone in my class had something far better than cafeteria food. What was it? How’d it happen? And more importantly… why didn’t I have the better food?
Let’s take a look shall we?
I was in the sixth grade when this happened. Because this was that long ago, I don’t recall the specifics of how my class won something, but there was a contest of some sort that all the school classes got to take part in. Whatever it was, we won and, as a result, we were treated to Olive Garden for lunch in the school cafeteria while everyone else had to eat lunches they’d bring from home or the cafeteria food.
Say what you will about Olive Garden being the McDonald’s of Italian cuisine, but for all the kids this was pretty cool. A date was set, the kids were hyped, and they knew not to bring their own lunch since they would be given all the garlic bread and pasta that they wanted.
Except me, since I ended up bringing my own lunch. I vaguely remember how this happened in terms of there being a contest of some sort, but I was probably absent when the teacher talked about all the details.
So the day comes, and everyone gets to the cafeteria. I sit down with my lunch, and a little something like this happened:
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: …sitting down to eat.
Kid: What’s that?
Me: This is my lunch. Never seen one before?
Kid: Dude, we’re getting Olive Garden today!
Me: Oh. Well… uh, welp. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
And wouldn’t you know it, the Olive Garden people showed up. They rolled in giant carts of steaming hot food and the teacher was telling all the kids what was available. Their mouths were watering enough to nearly drench my lunch and almost sicken me to the point where I would’ve left had I not already made myself comfortable. I quickly got that image of drool-drenched food out of my head and continued eating. The teacher noticed what I was doing and came over.
Teacher: Hey! You know we have all this food right?
Me: I know.
Teacher: So we can take this for you and you can have nice hot spaghetti and meatballs!
Me: HANDS OFF MY FOOD YOU WENCH!
Okay so I didn’t really call my teacher a wench. She was a very nice lady and is one of my favourite teachers. Anyway, as this was happening, someone I had known for a while was working in the cafeteria and came on over.
Person: What’s going on?
Teacher: Oh, well I think he forgot that we were doing the Olive Garden lunch today and he has his lunch.
Person: What? (they look at me). Why didn’t you tell me?
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Person: Well that’s okay, I can take this for you.
Me: DO NOT TOUCH MY FOOD OR I WILL DUMP THE CONTENTS OF THIS LUNCHABLE ALL OVER YOUR FACE.
Person: D’oh gawd! NOT THE FACE!
Me: YES! Mwahahah
Person: AAAGH!!! :O
Okay okay, so I didn’t actually make that threat with the Lunchable. Forgive me, I’m having a little too much fun here because who’s gonna remember every little specific detail of dialogue you had from 20 years ago? It’s not like I’m Marilu Henner or something.
So anyway, this didn’t go on for too long since I was quite comfortable with my own lunch. The teacher and the other person found it odd because all the other kids were excited to eat Olive Garden instead of cafeteria food and there I was, eating something that I brought quite often and could eat any time. Even some of my classmates found it odd. I remember one kid in particular who was very surprised as to why I insisted on eating my own lunch.
Kid: You… you’re shitting me right?
Teacher: Language!
Kid: I mean… you’re pooping me right?
Me: What the %#$@ does that even mean?
Kid: Language!
Me: You’re only saying that ‘cause the teacher said it!
Kid: I know.
Me: Anyway, this is my Lunchable. With my crackers and my Capri Sun! Plus my very own specially-added chocolate cookie treat!
Kid: I wasn’t gonna take any of that from you!
Me: Good!
Kid: …well okay maybe the cookie treat.
Me: It’s mine! You can’t take it away from me. One step closer and I’m warning you!
Kid: Oh shut up, I don’t want your Lunchable man! I’m just saying we got something a million times better than what we normally have, you should have some.
Me: …but I like my Lunchable.
Kid: I’m sure it’s a very tasty Lunchable.
Me: And besides, that’s not even real Italian cuisine you got there. It’s not as authentic as you think it is. It is to Italian food what Taco Bell is to Mexican food.
Kid: Don’t… don’t say that.
Me: Look I’m just sayin’…
Kid: I will shove this garlic bread up your nose!
Me: My nose?
Kid: Teacher will yell at me if I say ass.
Teacher: What the %#$% did you just say?
Kid: OH COME ON! You can say that but I can’t say ass?
Me: Language!
Kid: …I hate you.
Me: (smirks while eating the cookie treat)
Ya know, one thing I totally didn’t think about is what the Olive Garden people might have thought if they saw this. Did they see it? They were probably busy serving the other kids the food and getting everything set up, but I’d be surprised if not even one of them saw what was happening. I didn’t think it was a big deal, I just didn’t feel like having their food even though I’ve always loved pasta.
But seriously, how do you think the next water-cooler discussion would go between some of the Olive Garden employees?
Person 1: Hey man!
Person 2: Hey! Those kids seemed to be really happy with the food.
Person 1: Yeah no kidding! This is probably the only time they’ll be getting this.
Person 2: I know. I’d love it too if I were them.
Person 1: Same.
A moment passes.
Person 1: …did you see that one kid who didn’t eat any of it?
Person 2: Oh? You saw him too?
Person 1: Yeah, that was weird. The cookie treat looked good though.
Person 2: I don’t think it’s the food. Right?
Person 1: No of course not! He probably just got nervous, or maybe he forgot we were doing this.
Person 2: Yeah, I mean he probably did. But…
Person 1: …but what?
Person 2: Well, did you overhear what he said about… ya know…
Person 1: No, what?
Person 2: What if what we’ve been serving this whole time isn’t really authentic Italian food?
Person 1: …
Person 2: (he nods)
Person 1: Can’t say I’m surprised. I worked at a Taco Bell once and that’s nothing like real Mexican food.
Person 2: Boom, there ya go.
Person 1: Why do we even keep working at these places? Why don’t they ever provide well-cooked authentic food to people who pay good money for something they truly deserve to eat after a long day of hard work and real world stresses and hang-ups?
A short moment passes.
Person 2: Because… reasons I guess.
Person 1: (sighs) I really should’ve stayed at Microsoft.
So anyway, this is one of those things I always remembered. Exaggerated dialogue and silly what-if stuff aside, I feel like this was just one of those moments where I simply didn’t feel like having what the other kids were having. I still sometimes think about it at random moments. And another weird thing is that this wasn’t the first time this sorta’ thing happened.
For instance, there was this one time in the 10th grade when there was a pizza party in my writing class, and I didn’t feel like having pizza. Then there was another pizza party during my last year of high school where the kids were given pizzas and, you guessed it, I didn’t have any. There was definitely enough for everyone, and I do love pizza (thank you ninja turtles), but I just didn’t feel like having any for some reason. And just like with the previous times, the teachers weren’t sure why I didn’t feel like having any.
Come to think of it, even I’m not all that sure. Weird huh? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If this reminds you of any similar experiences, feel free to share them in the comments. Until next time, eat whatever you feel like and do you. Unless it involves eating humans. That’s just weird. And rude too. It’s quite rude.
Thanks for reading! o/
Kasey Lewis - Actor, Writer, Creator 