Who doesn’t like having pets? Sure, they can sometimes be a handful and it costs money to take good care of them, but they can be great loving companions. And for some people, this extends to what others would call “bizarre” pets. And when I say “bizarre,” I mean animals that aren’t dogs, cats, fish, and/or birds.
Some people, for instance, love taking care of pet spiders. Others might enjoy having a pet snake (yikes), a pet scorpion (double yikes), or a mighty bearded dragon (Good lord man! :O). But regardless of what you have as a pet, it’s always wise to know that you not only have the ability to take care of it, but that you’re also willing to give them the love they want and the resources they need.
These things clearly didn’t have enough logic when I daydreamed about having a pet dolphin as a kid. So let’s dive into this silly escapade.
And So It Begins
Yep. I wanted a pet dolphin when I was eight years old. How else do I start with this? I mean, I could go into why I thought of it in the first place, but we’ll get to that shortly. The whole idea was very outrageous to begin with, and it’s all the more outrageous knowing that I thought about this daydream for what must’ve been several weeks. I kept thinking how I would do this, and lets just say that my ideas were… preposterous.
I imagined that I would keep it in a giant pool at first, but then figured that wouldn’t be roomy enough. I then thought that it would be better to keep a pet dolphin in a giant silo of sorts. I figured it would hold enough water to give the dolphin plenty of room for diving and swimming. Plus, I imagined that I would dive in to swim and play with the dolphin. People play with their dogs, so it’d only make sense for me to bring a little beach ball or something as I play with this dolphin.
You’ve probably noticed I never mentioned the dolphin’s name. Well that’s because I had a hard time choosing whether to go with the obvious Flipper, or name it after Ecco from the classic Sega Genesis game Ecco the Dolphin. Then there was the short-lived Miami Dolphins mascot who was also named Flipper, but known as “Snowflake” in the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Since I was obsessed with Jim Carrey movies at the time, it would’ve made sense for me to name a dolphin after Snowflake.
Or I might’ve named it something totally random. Fluffy, maybe.
Also, you know how I said I didn’t fully figure out this daydream? Because not once did I ever wonder how and where I’d get fish to feed the dolphin. I don’t live anywhere near a river nor lake, so I would’ve had to rely on buying fish from a grocery store. And ya know something? The idea of buying fish from a grocery store just to feed a pet dolphin really doesn’t sound like a good idea. Would it eat the fish? Probably… but just think of all the bacteria it’d be consuming, what with everyone who handles grocery store fish. Ick.
Oh No, Not This
This gets better though. And by “better,” I mean even more ridiculous. I dreamed up a song about owning the dolphin. That’s right, I thought of a theme song about owning it, taking care of it, and the fact that we were best friends. I set it to the tune of Yankee Doodle (because… reasons I guess). I never wrote this song down, but that’s probably for the best. At the time, I thought it was a joyous little song I’d happily sing to myself. But right now, I think it was a sign of slightly delirious behavior.
But wait! It gets even wackier. Because I imagined that it could talk. Yes. I imagined that a pet dolphin would talk to me. Why? Because why not? Many mammals in pop culture talk with other creatures and/or their owner, so I guess it only made sense to think that it could dispense some life advice and crack jokes much like Mr. Ed.
I just realized something. I never once considered having a second dolphin in this daydream. I mean, don’t you think he/she would want a friend or lover? Because unless it got desperate and became just as insane as I was at the time, I doubt that a dolphin would want to do the Shape of Water thing with someone who has an overactive imagination.
Another reason this daydream is impossibly ridiculous and ridiculously impossible is because owning a pet dolphin is actually… oh ya know… illegal. Yeah, I’m glad I never attempted this. Otherwise, I would be typing this from inside a prison while the other prisoners laugh their heads off at my misfortune.
Prisoner: What you in here for?
Prisoner 2: I stole some drugs and robbed a gas station. How about you?
Prisoner 1: Grand theft auto.
Prisoner 2 nods and then looks over to me
Prisoner 2: How ’bout you? What’re you in here for?
Me: …I don’t wanna say it.
Prisoner 3: C’mon kid! Tell ’em.
Me: Hey, I already told you and your friends yesterday. I really don’t wanna go through this again.
Prisoner 1: Wow… it’s that screwed up eh?
Prisoner 3: Not like that, no. It’s something you won’t believe.
Prisoners 1 and 2 look at each other very confused.
I sigh and then slowly look over to them.
Me: …I had an illegal pet dolphin that had its way with me.
They stare at me in silence for a moment, look to each other, and then burst into uncontrollable laughter. I roll my eyes and turn away, leaning against the cell as the two prisoners roll onto the floor laughing.
Prisoner 3: (Chuckling) Wanna tell ’em about the dodo thing while at it?
Me: Oh shut up!
Aren’t you glad I’m not a television/film writer? Well too bad, because that’s a lifelong dream that’ll come to fruition unlike this whole Free Willy-inspired fartfest. It’s astonishing that I had this idea in the first place, but it’s even more astonishing due to its extremely questionable “logic.”
Then again, I was a kid with a kooky imagination just like any other kid, so… I guess it’s fine? Anyway, that’s it for now.
Until next time, please for love of all that is good and holy make sure I never go to Sea World. Have a good one! o/
Disclaimer: Legal ownership of a dolphin is, in fact, nonexistent and should never be pursued. Any and all attempts to pet, feed, and play with dolphins and/or any other marine mammals are, in fact, detrimental to their well-being. Interactions with people can lead to heightened stress and anxiety in dolphin behavior. For more information, read the The Marine Mammal Protection Act.
Kasey Lewis - Actor, Writer, Creator 