I’ve been in my head for quite some time. Too long, as a matter of fact. After what seemed like an on-going cycle of negative thoughts surrounding what was once lost confidence, and gradually fading hope, I learned that I can do something to shatter the old autopilot that held me back for so long. It took a lot to get there, and I certainly didn’t think that a pandemic would be an additional reason for me to push myself in making the most of interactions before potentially losing touch with someone. That and many other recent experiences made me realize that I can not only change my life for the better, but that I am capable of being the me that I’ve always wanted to be.

I’m rediscovering a lot of things. And I’m also learning new things about myself and life itself. And then there’s stuff that feels new because now I understand what I was trying to tell myself some time ago. Ideas behind what I was researching, answers I was looking for, ways to experiment with my self-image, developing familiar-yet-sought-after sensibilities, understanding perspective shifts, and overall, evolving.

There was always this idea of thought vs. action that intrigued me, and a lot of it came to me during some meditation practices several years ago. I even thought of studying concepts behind it and turning that into a blog post. As I kept following my intuition, though, I found that keeping the idea in my mind as a means of understanding how to change something was more important than trying to study it for the sake of a blog post. The more I thought about things, the more I would overthink those things, and the less I found myself taking action. But, at the same time, I knew that I had to spend some time to think about how to link personal growth goals to other important things (job hunting, for instance), take it all apart, and distill everything down into actions that would change everything for me.

So what’d I exactly do that led to this? Well, every single thing could probably be its own blog post (or heck, even a movie), but that might be a little too much since I can trim it down to one recent thing.

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I always wanted to do something different for Christmas. For many of the years before 2020, I was gradually losing interest in the holidays and spending time with my family (let’s just say I’ve gotten discomforting vibes from them and how they’ve made me feel). Since we weren’t doing the usual gift thing with them last year because of COVID, and since it’d been a long time since I had friends, I realized that because work is the only place where I have friends, I wanted to do something for people who I actually do appreciate. So I decided to give those friends some gifts.

For a few of them in particular, I wanted to write personal notes. Two of those notes mainly consisted of me thanking them for being friends, but one present & note specifically involved me telling a girl at work that I had a crush on her. And for someone who went through middle school and high school without ever having the confidence to tell someone face-to-face that I like them, this felt like a big move and I wanted to push myself to do it. I knew that no matter what her reaction would be, I’d finally stop bottling up my feelings and would grow as a person, even getting a little more confident to say it face-to-face the next person I may like.

I had a feeling she had a boyfriend and it turned out I was right. I was hoping I’d be wrong and that there’d be something between us, but I was right all along. And despite that, it did still hurt. But she’s always been nice to me and it was very sweet of her to let me down easily. Plus, she did let me know that she thinks of me as a friend. People joke about “the friend zone,” but I’m really happy that she thinks of me as a friend, especially because one person who I gave a Christmas present & note to was taken by surprise and told me that they thought of me more as a co-worker than a friend (though they were nice about it and did thank me for the gift). But yeah so… one confirmed friendship beats out a misinterpreted one, so overall I see it as a win. I still feel bad that I inadvertently made the other person uncomfortable by giving them a present, but because of that I am making sure to be respectful and ask if it’s okay prior to offering gifts from now on.

~

In between that, one really bizarre thing happened that I do want to mention. After I’d given everyone their presents, but before my workplace crush told me she’s happy being friends, someone I used to have a crush on years ago came into a store to buy something. The timing of this was so weird, yet I went along and took it like the universe was telling me something.

I recognized her since she had no face mask, but because I was wearing one, she didn’t recognize me. It was almost tempting to say something, but at the same time, I felt it was right to not say anything. When I saw her, a few things crossed my mind. One being that I dodged a bullet (I mean… she wasn’t wearing a mask and she was smoking, so she doesn’t seem to be taking care of herself all that well). Another being that I felt a nice sense of closure and could let go of a childhood memory. And lastly, I got the strange feeling that things don’t work out for a reason; and also that things I experience do happen for a reason and, that no matter what, I will meet someone. I don’t know how, but I just know.

And now, because of other recent experiences that have involved befriending another co-worker and a rather eye-opening vivid dream, I have this strong feeling that things will ultimately turn out fine. Heck, things will turn out great.

~

I don’t know exactly what my social circle will be like in the future, yet I know it will be rewarding. Not everyone will want to be a part of it, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that I can’t dwell on daydreams and try to match them. I went through a lot to get out of my head and become more habitual with taking action. To make this life finally live up to what I call That Life, I have to be in the moment and do things that the old me would envy the current me for. Whether that means telling someone that I like them, what I appreciate about them, or even just saying hi to someone who the old me would be too shy to say anything to, I know I can find comfort in knowing that I am capable of doing that and that I have grown.

In short, I had to do something different because I wanted to. I pushed myself and have changed things for the better. And I will continue to do so for the years to come. I always want to leave a positive impression on those I admire, I just hope that they’ll remember me.

Until next time, be good to yourself and treat others right. Have a good one!