I thought I’d wait a bit longer before doing another one of these entries, but there is stuff that’s been on my mind that I want to share. As you may have guessed, it’s more self-growth stuff and related updates.

I’ve accepted that some people I was hoping to be friends with last year never really wanted to stay in touch with me, and I’ve also accepted that they don’t think of me the way I hoped they would. But that makes me grateful for those who do think of me as a friend and who actually like to stay in touch with me. So that’s definitely there and I’m always happy to continue growing the friendships that mean a lot to me.

I’ve also accepted that it might take a little time before I can grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be, but at the same time, I’m not going to sit by and wait for things to fall into place. There are things I’m pushing myself to do more consistently, so I’m not letting the old thought patterns slow me down like they used to. I’m always learning and doing more to break out of those thought patterns, and I know I’m better at how I’m developing myself.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I didn’t want to do the face reveal earlier is because of many insecurities I have. And though I still have some that I’m trying to get out of my brain via meditation and whatnot, I do have the confidence that makes me feel like I’m ready to take all this online stuff into further territory.

I’m at a stage where I know that things could be better, but I know I have to take extra steps to make those things better. It’s the same thing I had with the job-hunt situation. While some things outside of my control did have to fall into place for the better, I still had to take matters into my own hands and drive myself around while looking for some guides along the way. That worked out and I’m glad I still have this job, so now I’m trying to do the next logical thing and take better care of myself while also growing new friendships.

And now I’m trying to process other things. I was looking through stuff I had written during high school and it’s making me realize that some of the unwanted feelings I had recently were a thing even then. To put it simply, I didn’t really feel like I belonged in that environment in terms of trying to connect with others.

Fast forward to now, and I’m much better at vibing with others. I still sometimes feel like I don’t belong in a weird way, though that might be something else. I don’t know how to describe it, maybe it’s just something else that’s being set off as I try to chat it up with others. I mean, I can tell when someone might not care, but for all I know they probably have a lot going on and are preoccupied with things.

I really like the people I work with, and most of them seem to like me. Last year, there were times when it felt like nobody wanted to check on me. But now things are different. I’m glad to be in touch with people who do care, so it probably is something else that makes me feel distant from others.

There is still optimism, of course. Not just optimism in knowing that I’ll be able to hang out with them once things calm down, but optimism in knowing that I am pulling myself together. And also optimism in knowing that I will have my own place, the name I want for myself, a better space for being able to film stuff, and of course, I’m still optimistic that I will meet someone. There is no other option. Optimism has to be the only choice. I used to be the other thing throughout high school and it made me feel completely worthless. I don’t want to go back to those thoughts. Optimism is, has been, and always will be important to me, especially now.

Last year was rough for obvious reasons. And even though I was trying to convince myself that things were okay, it was still hard as the year went on and I kept trying to hold onto hope in terms of trying to make friends. As stated at the beginning of this entry, I realized I was trying to connect with the wrong kind of people. But now, I’m happy to say that I’ve found the right people.

Meanwhile, my motivation is back and stronger than ever. I’m having fun learning the creative stuff and am better at taking my mind off things. Many of the friends I’ve been talking with seem to be interested in what I’ll create with online videos and whatnot, so it’s nice to finally have some encouragement and that is fueling my every move.

I’m sure they have their own life stuff going on, but if they end up reading this and other entries, I want to take this moment to thank them. Thank you for all the kind words and taking even those spare moments to chat with me. It sometimes feels like the only social interaction I have, but I appreciate it a lot.

Take good care of yourselves, and I’ll see ya next week!