It almost feels weird writing this entry. I say that because of the inactivity here. And yet despite the low number of blog posts from last year and this year thus far, a lot has happened. It’s just that much of it has been behind the scenes. A lot of it is definitely more on the personal side, but a good chunk of it is online in the form of Tiktok posts.
And hey, I feel like that’s enough reason to celebrate. Let’s reflect on the key events that have shaped me for the last 9 years since launching this blog.
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For those new to my neck of the woods, the name’s Kasey. For a long time, I was using an alias that used to be SomeMediaGeek. I was also what the internet would call “faceless.” Personally, I preferred calling myself a disembodied voice. I did livestreams on Twitch for fun, and blogged pretty consistently. I eventually stopped doing Twitch streams to focus more on the blog. When I got a full-time job, blogging became a little less frequent.
Enter the personal side…
Everything Changed
One night at work, a panic attack changed everything. Self-care and mental health immediately became top priority, and it felt like things were starting to improve. Continuing the same job, though, was not the best idea. I started looking at things differently, learning who I shouldn’t have trusted as well as who not to trust. I felt like I was relapsing back into the negative thought patterns even though I had tried to cope and move on. I realized that management and even co-workers had been gaslighting me, and it was like they were back to making me feel the way I did on the days leading up to that initial panic attack.
I had to get out before it got worse. And when I learned they could use discriminatory company practices to fire me for having unpredictable anxiety attacks that were the cause of me calling out (they would call it “holding me accountable”), I left the job without giving two weeks notice to keep them from going further with it. The mental hell I went through from being around co-workers who were contributing to my anxiety was not worth staying, and I have no regrets about leaving.
New and Unexpected Turns
I continued looking for a new job and soon found work doing political canvassing. With it being different and centered around helping the community, it made me feel like I was finally part of something that mattered. I was even interested in developing leadership skills, something I never considered at the previous job. There was movement and excitement in getting our message out there. I had only just started, and even though it would only last until the mid-term elections, I knew it would help me.
While driving home from the second day of work, my car skidded mid-turn and smashed into a telephone pole. I couldn’t get the door open, and could feel pain across my chest as I sat still, trying to take in what had happened. I nearly had another panic attack in the ambulance until the paramedic had helped me calm down. I didn’t realize how lucky I was until a doctor spoke with me. I didn’t have any broken bones, but the accident left me badly bruised, scraped, and with a swollen leg. Some of the aftereffects were unexpected, as I remember noticing some shakiness in my hands the next day while cooking breakfast. And even though I was able to borrow a car to resume the canvassing job, this still threw things off. I knew the gig was temporary, as mid-term elections were right around the corner, but I was still very thankful I could continue working (albeit with a limp).
At Last…
Once that gig finished, and as I started to heal, it was back to the job search. There was plenty of handshaking and a lot of interviews, plus new things I had never thought about trying (wearing a suit, for instance). Ultimately, I found results in another retail job. Unlike the previous one where I had my panic attack, I felt much more at ease talking about my mental health with a manager who was actually familiar with talking to people with anxiety and panic attacks (he even asked if there was anything around us that could trigger the feelings). They were understanding and compassionate, so I felt relieved when they made me feel heard. I got the job on Christmas day.
After working long enough, the medical benefits became active and it was back to the self-care thing. It’s still a bit of a juggling act, especially since I recently found a fun second job hosting trivia games, but it’s doable. There’s more to do so I can have what I call That Life, but I’m always growing and going further with the meaningful, creative, and personal goals. What can I say? It’s a wild journey.
Now for the creative side…
Acting and Content Creation
Around mid-summer last year, I found a local acting teacher and took my first step into a larger world. Filmmaking has always been the goal, and I used to make videos for fun during my high school years, so it only made sense to start making the goal happen.
I e-mailed and met up with Ronald LaCaria, an actor and stunt person who’s worked with directors including Sam Raimi. That kickstarted everything. His lessons, wisdom, and stories opened my eyes to looking at performances like never before. He ran me through exercises, line reading, gave me notes on reading through scripts, and did video breakdowns of actors’ monologues. He taught me about interpreting an actor’s delivery and what makes it genuine, and even gave me feedback on my technique. He also encouraged me to join Tiktok and create content, leading me full-circle back into the video goal. This time, it would be different.
As I started filming, I met an acting coach named Hannah Brantley through Tiktok. Where Ron taught me craft and technique, Hannah helped open my eyes up to the behind-the-camera aspect by helping me with a resume. She too encouraged me to keep filming, and she also suggested that I write down a few types of characters I want to play. She even gave me great ideas on how to beef up the resume by learning and adding skills. So with her teaching me that aspect, and Ron helping me with practical exercises, it felt like a good balance of the two. And the fact that they both recommended that I film videos gave me the sign to keep creating. They also recommended that I learn from other teachers as well, so I do have a couple people on my radar at this moment.
When I left that one job, and in-between the numerous interviews, I gave myself a good chunk of time to develop my technique as an actor, editor and creator by starting a second series of inter-connected Tiktoks. Since it was October, I dug out the Halloween supplies and gave the videos a slight horror influence.
This more or less replaced what would’ve been a month of Halloween-themed blog entries, as I found myself having more fun filming and I didn’t want to be stuck behind the keyboard for endless nights. I was already on computers long enough working on job resumes and responding to e-mails, so I didn’t want to force myself to write blog posts just for the sake of writing. The Tiktoks were visual, physical, and more exciting. They definitely challenged me since I was filming them entirely on my own (and I did find myself staying up for endless nights), but it was fun and very rewarding. It kept me motivated to keep on making stuff. I got to the point where I would film and upload 4 Tiktoks in one day, with 3 being a minimum.
Meanwhile, the content creation thing was secondary to the job situation. Being without a full-time job gave me a lot of time to film and grow as a content creator, which was nice; but I knew not to make this the main focus. Finding work was the higher priority. As Halloween came nearer, I had to lessen time spent filming. In the midst of that, though, I reminded myself I could keep my passion with me without losing touch with it. Thus, I made this video…
Seeing someone comment that they needed this reminder made me feel like I really struck a chord with someone, and that felt nice.
Then the car accident happened, and I had to set the acting lessons as well as Tiktok aside to get things back on track. I still wanted to film little things here and there, knowing to take it easy with some of the more physical activity like dancing. I wanted to have a little fun with the situation, so I made this homage to the music video for Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice.”
I guess this is technically my first and only attempt at being click-baity, but people seem to like it lol.
Once I started feeling better, I was able to put more life into the videos and get back into the swing of things with the job interviews. Once I got the new job, I was able to balance out the work stuff with Tiktok pretty decently. I even resumed the little narrative series I’d been doing, eventually bringing it to a sort-of conclusion.
Mental Health
Of course, throughout all that, the mental health stuff was often on my mind in some way. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t having any panic attacks and anxiety when I was busy with the canvassing and the following job-hunt. And since a lot of those feelings had started at the one job that I left, it makes sense why a lot of the anxiety had greatly lessened. But after a couple months from having started the new job, some of those thoughts started to come back.
During this time, I was actually off my medication. I simply ran out, but the costs were high enough to where I wouldn’t have been able to keep up with finances had I paid the out-of-pocket fee for both prescriptions. And even though I felt fine during the period when I was keeping myself busy, the time spent being off medication must have added up and caught up with me. As those thoughts came back, I knew I needed to get back on the meds. I had to work a little longer before I’d have the full benefits. Once I became eligible again, I got the prescriptions refilled.
Nothing’s “normal.” Things are lingering, but in different ways. I’m seeing resonant images, but in a different light. If pre-panic attack me saw some of that right now, they would probably break down. But when I think about it right now, I realize I’m having another perspective shift. It’s making me appreciate what I have. I vaguely know what it’s telling me, and I’m getting a feeling I need to do something different once again. That is to say, it would seem different to others; but to me, it would seem natural and inevitable. A lot of what I’ve learned from the mental health stuff is letting me better understand moments that have stuck with me in different phases of life. I know the gist and essence of it, but I’m also piecing it together.
So Now What?
Last year was about making changes by my own choices and redefining myself. That is what led to me finally feeling ready to use my name. This year, I’m going even further. I find myself replaying something that another patient had said when I was attending an intensive outpatient program after the panic attack. That patient, let’s just call him Bud, said simply… “Go big.”
Thanks Bud, I’m definitely doing that. And thank you everyone for reading this. It’s been a very transformative 9 years. Let’s see where it goes.
I’ll see ya soon!
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Kasey Lewis - Actor, Writer, Creator 