5/12

I started questioning the meaning of “feeling content” within a scenario that isn’t ideal. It feels like that is something people go through at least once in their life. Nobody really likes thinking about it, of course. And as I began wondering about the factors that make any scenario not ideal, the more I wanted to think about desired results instead. Thinking “as if,” so to speak. Results can be pretty motivating, and yet those shouldn’t be dwelled on. Because thinking only about desired results can make one feel underwhelmed if they don’t get those desired results.

Better to just think about results that aren’t so specific and yet still fall within what’s good as a whole, ya know?

(Evening)

I like the quiet, but I don’t see it lasting for long because, well… this is Me here. Kasey. I see the quiet as the sort of “Calm before the storm,” before I go into a storm of flowing thoughts that plow through anything that might otherwise have slowed me down. Not only that, but I also like that the words, be they spoken or written, have the power to knock down obstacles. Feels good being Me.

5/13

Annoying mornings equal bad day. At least, when you let those annoyances get the better of you. Fortunately for me, I swung out of that and went into some lighthearted stuff. And while there wasn’t as much productivity as the day before, I did get some satisfaction out of finding more clarity to my overall approach to things.

And really, I feel like that’s the thing about realizations. They won’t always be big and completely shift something, but even a small realization with clarity can be nice. For me, it was just nice realizing that the less I partake in toxic thought cycles, the more pure my other thought cycles become. A better sense of self is always nice too, and it goes hand-in-hand with that thing I’m after, so all the more reason to follow it and start with that.

Meanwhile, I got some fish to fry in terms of videos and more. Lots more.

5/14

Today was filled with thoughts of leaving my night job. It’s a fun job, but it is only a night job and I need more. It doesn’t help that other things come up that also require some attention (errands and whatnot), so yeah.

I know there’s something I can do with my skillset. That’s why I want to devote more time to bringing film/video projects and content to life under an LLC. That way, I can show companies and people in those fields what I do so I can find more fulfilling and better paying dream work. At least there’s flexibility to work with there, and I wouldn’t have to fully leave the night job.

There’s also that expectation others have where they say, “Just get a ‘real’ job and work on fun things in spare time,” and it doesn’t help either. Sure I’d get a stable check, insurance, benefits and such. That’s good. But since I’d be still be working the night job into my schedule for extra money, I wouldn’t have as much time to work on those more fun & rewarding goals and projects and then I end up leaving the night job so I have whole nights to work on my ideas.

That really does feel like it is the case. Even though I like the night job, I really feel like I want time to myself so I’m not just working all the time. A sustainable income for moving out, getting a car, saving, and living is great; but living to enjoy life is also important.

2024 frustrations in the job economy. Nuff said. I’m not the only one going through this too, lots of people are talking about it on Tiktok and something needs to change.

5/15

Dancing came to mind since I’d been listening to a lot of music lately. I’m dancing while on my way to gigs, dancing in my room, and I’m dancing in daydreams too. It’s often in a way where I see myself just out and about casually too. I don’t picture it in a dance club too much (although it does happen). It’s like I got rhythm bound to my brain. Is that trippy or what?

Also spent some of the night watching reaction videos, getting ideas for something. Lots of visual ways to play up thought processes in videos to fit with my cerebral sorta shtick. Then I started getting an idea to just do silent reactions to stuff using only facial expressions. Which makes sense since I like a lot of Tiktoks that do the same thing and it’s something I’ve done in a few Tiktoks too.

The more I watch these reaction videos, the more I get the strong impression that I really need to do something with these particular ideas that are coming to mind.

Meditate on this, I will.

5/16/24

Couldn’t stop watching these videos of a guy burning stuff with these balls that he heats up. It’s very amusing, because science can make for odd yet entertaining videos you didn’t know you needed.

I later started thinking of this Weekly Thought Log concept (hey whaddya know, I’m getting meta). It’s starting to feel like the format would make more sense in video form. But I feel like doing at least another one of these or so will help further cement my nightly routine of going into thoughts. I like this format, so I can see it working as a vlog of sorts. Other blog posts I’m attempting would also make sense in video form (one in particular that I’m working on goes into writing techniques and would be perfect for a video course).

This has actually been an idea before. I’ve made notes in a couple documents telling myself to adapt select entries into fully-produced videos. Flesh out the material, ya know? And also introduce visual elements for extra fun.

Time to sleep, I’ll figure this out soon though. Very soon. 

5/17/24

Whenever days don’t go well, it hurts. Like they leave a headache on you from the crumminess. I find that the level of hurt depends on what you wanted to do, and how you didn’t do it. The why is there, but how stands out to me more for some reason. I’ll have to give this more thought in maybe a dedicated “spin-off” entry of sorts.

Anyway, I do attribute this thought and feeling to some mental health stuff I was feeling. But I am still acting on my ambitions. There’s plenty that can be done. And while I don’t have as much physical room to work with in my current home situation, I can think of workarounds.

That said, I’m seriously reaching that point where I’m ready to do more than writing when planning videos. I have so much written, I want to start doing. Doing is action. And actions drive everything on-screen. I actually planned some Tiktoks this way by just getting up and acting out whatever I’d film. I’d work out the movements, “rehearse” the camera movement, get physical, and get filming.

I have other ideas too. And I’m eager to bring them to life in unique ways. That way I can combine everything, finetune it, and then upload.

It’s time to capture everything and post it. I feel it.

5/18

I started thinking about “Thought Journeys” earlier today. I find that when they “finish,” and after you have a good silent moment where you just take it all in, you get a nice sense of purpose and conviction. It’s good to have a firm grasp on your understanding, and when you can make sense of it, it takes on a sort of satisfying power that makes you feel like you’re closer to that ideal you.

It makes me think and realize that even though I’ve learned a lot from my own experiences, I’m still on this neverending journey where I’m figuring it out. So I’ll see where it goes from here.

(Evening)

And now I’m thinking about this format again. I almost didn’t want to do this again because I was afraid it would feel formulaic in some way. But after going over my thoughts throughout the week, I feel like I should keep doing this. I do still feel like it would work better as a loose vlog of sorts, but figuring out the production side of it needs some tinkering. I’d have to make it easy to do on a technical side without overthinking it.

Until next time, be good to yourselves and eat some fruit.