Oh hey! Yeah… this was originally going to be a Facebook post about why there wasn’t going to be a blog post, but then I got that funny feeling that things would snowball and whaddya know… a full blog entry comes about. I’m not even sure how to categorize this one since I technically consider it another Introspective piece, but it’s also a Behind-the-scenes entry. It’s something more personal for sure.

I’ll figure out the category later. Let’s roll!

For the first time ever… I haven’t been able to focus my thoughts on the chosen blog piece for the week. Usually, something like this either has me bumping the release to the day/night after, or it might be from a hectic schedule and other things going on, but this time it’s different.

I was originally going to do an installment of Astonishing Reveries, as I’ve had an idea of what to talk about for a while, but then I thought of more recent daydreams that have been on my mind. And the more I thought about those, the more I started to think about where it comes from. Then it felt like I was about to have an actual existential crisis had I not sidetracked myself with an iPad.

On that note, rethinking my own productivity and workflow will be fun now due to said iPad, but let’s get back to the main thing now shall we?

Behind-the-scenes Note: It is at this point when I realized this post was going to be big enough to actually become the blog post for tonight. Funny how that works.

Anyway, I realized I was getting sucked into those recent daydreams and then the thoughts returned. I started to realize that another shift is happening, because now I’m starting to look at things in another (and slightly different) way. This is always happening, of course, and I expect to continue evolving; but I’m starting to think of how recent work-related interactions and new experiences are affecting not just daydreams, but also my self-image.

For what it’s worth, it’s mostly been positive these days. I’m happy to be working with amazing people who are always teaching me new things and encouraging me along the way. I get along with them and really hope that I can consider them friends outside of work as well.

So why is it that the way I see myself is changing? I’ve always known deep down that I’m capable of helping others and being part of something, but at the same time, I have had moments over the recent years where I would wonder if I was really worth something. I went through times where I’d think that I’m not good enough for something or someone, and I hated it. In a way, a part of me still sort of thinks about that.

But actually feeling the things I’ve been experiencing in the recent weeks almost feels surreal. Even as I sit here right now, having worked a couple months or so it just feels insane that I suddenly have a job and potential friends, something that I didn’t think was possible for a while considering how long I was unemployed. Knowing that I have this now, though, will help me achieve my other goals. It’s kinda’ crazy.

Is crazy even the right word? I mean… it’s certainly something. Several years ago, I was ambitious with many of the same goals, but I was also somewhat unsure of myself. I didn’t think back then that I’d be able to get a job the way I did now. I was too sidetracked with diving into fun side things and potential projects. It got to the point where I was depleting myself in many ways, and I temporarily gave up on some goals.

Then, more distractions came along. I knew that some things were more important, and yet limitations did keep me from being able to really put myself out there in terms of job hunting. It wasn’t just limited transportation and skills, though; it was limiting beliefs and habits. Those combined with some experiences started to subtract from my self-worth and I caved into more distractions. I also caved in to some self-hating thoughts and began to think about a life that I missed. A life in which I always felt at home, with friends and a social circle that I was a part of.

In many ways, it felt like I had lost touch with who I was. And to make it worse, some interactions from that point showed me things that I want to distance myself from. I felt like I wanted to cut myself away from people who I’d known for a large chunk of my life, and yet some “mental blockage” made me feel like I couldn’t just leave.

And yet behind all that, there was always something that kept pulling me in the right directions. It wasn’t just hope, it wasn’t entirely an intuition (though that is a part of it), and it wasn’t just an ounce of optimism. It’s a lot of things, actually. In a way, I’m still trying to take it all apart and piece things together. I feel like I shouldn’t worry about it and that I should just focus on the moment, but I also want to understand everything. I know what it is and where it comes from, I just don’t have the words to use when describing it.

A large part behind all this is that someone gave me the extra push that I needed when I needed it the most. This was a while ago (around when I was transitioning into young adulthood, to be exact), but it felt like they were able to do it in a way that nobody else (even my family) was able to do. There’s a very personal touch from what they said that feels more real, genuine, and meaningful than what even childhood friends had ever given me. And, despite not always being able to get in touch with them right now, everything they’ve said still lingers.

~

So why am I daydreaming more than usual? I just can’t help it. Sure, there’s an element of, “I’d love it if ___ thing happened,” or, “What if ___ happened…” or, “What would it be like if I asked out that girl I like,” but I’m also realistic with my expectations and feel like I’m mostly ready for whenever life throws me curve-balls.

I think a lot of it comes from feeling a bit of a void. I’m relatively happy with how things are at the moment, but I know much of it could be better in terms of having new friends, a love life, more time to create, and my own place. Then after I daydream about all that and come back to the present moment, I get that sense of, “Oh, right…” when I get the reality check. And though it does kind of hurt, I see it as a motivator. It keeps me going, and it makes me want to make more moves that will bring me even closer towards that desired life.

And with that said… I feel like I’m ready to make bigger changes. Getting a job is only the beginning, and writing blog entries is only a part of my overall goal. There’s a lot I want to do not just here and there, but everywhere. And after I get some financial things taken care of, I’ll not only take my content to another level, I’ll also share a little more about me.

Until next time, don’t lose touch with what means the most to you and never give up. Take it from this guy in the video below.

 

Have a good one! o/